What I Wish I’d Known

Before I Got Divorced

That morning, in utter

frustration, my friends and I compiled a list called, “What we wish we had

known before we got divorced.” Our wishes stood for the big issues we wanted Cindy to know

before she made her final decision. Each of us had experienced the upheaval of divorce and

watched 12 of our close friends’ second marriages end. We’d seen the lives of our children

changed forever. Years later, we continue to live with the ongoing pain and complications of a

destroyed marriage.

As a licensed psychologist, I’ve listened to many

divorced weren’t any happier than those who were u nhappy and remained married. In fact, two-

thirds of

Ending a marriage rarely has the magic effect of causing happiness that people expect. It just

produces a new set of problems. For instance, here’s a look at the issues we compiled for my

friend, Cindy:

1.

your children (if you have custody), you’re left to do it all alone. You become the sole

breadwinner, spiritual adviser, disciplinarian, and housekeeper. The stress levels of that

responsibility can be staggering.

In addition, there are the scheduling dilemmas. Recently, my friend and I were discussing how

complicated it can be to see our sons during a short college break. Although we both cooperate

with our ex-husbands, we still ache as we watch our sons carefully dole out their time among

the families in an effort not to alienate either parent. “Even though we have it as good as it gets,”

rebuild their lives, and they strive to cooperate with their ex-spouses for the sake of the children.

Another unforeseen challenge of divorce includes handling special occasions.

Every birthday,

holiday, wedding, or funeral is a potential nightmare. “At my future daught er-in-law’s wedding,”

says Allison, “she is planning to walk down the aisle by herself, because she has multiple

fathers and feels torn between her allegiances.” These problems don’t end when the children

grow up and marry. The hassles can continue with the grandchildren.

2.

hostage. I was imprisoned by all of the things in life that I thought made me look good.”

Stephanie realized that divorce couldn’t bring the carefree lifestyle she had expec

ted. When

she stopped and looked in the mirror, she realized the lies she had bought and how the patterns

of the world had shaped her character. Because she didn’t like what she saw, she began the

hard work of changing who she had become.

According to the Institute for American Values, researchers found that those who ended their

marriage simply because they weren’t happy did not improve their emotional state. Their lives

least expect or on special anniversaries. For instance, Jan, who is normally bubbly and bright,

says, “Every Christmas, I become depressed. After 20 years it still hits me suddenly, without

warning. I was married in December, my chi

ldhood sweetheart left me for another woman 15

Decembers later, and my dreams were ruined. Every year I have a weepy week.”

Jan’s second husband understands and gives her the space “to grieve again for the loss of that

ideal family I spent my life imagining. There are times when it hits him too. You are never free

from the effects of that broken first marriage.”

a sudden I became damaged goods. One couple, who had been my close friends for twenty

years, became very cool to me after the divorce.”

There’s a ripple effect. Your divorce doesn’t just affect you and your spouse. If affects

everyone around you. Friends often feel as if they must pick sides, so they keep their distance.

Relationships with those who do remain loyal change abruptly. Church friends may stay away,

feeling uncomfortable. Plus, family members who’ve grow

forced to “divorce” as well.

Financial ramifications are also possible. Dividing assets is rarely an equitable process. For

instance, Vern was left with only 31 percent of his retirement account even though his ex-wife

worked and they had no children. At the age of 49, this was a blow to Vern’s retirement pl ans.

Financial complications can be minor compared to blending children from previous marriages.

Many problems arise, such as emotional chaos to stoic tolerance. A recently remarr

said, “My life is more complicated than ever. I’ve put all this e ffort into a new marriage, but we’re

struggling. My new step-son ignores me. His attitude is ‘I’m here to be with my dad and that’s it.’

I feel horrible—like a second class citizen in my own home.”

4.

“She was stunningly beautiful, t he kind of beauty that stops traffic,” Michael said. “She sat next

to me at a regional meeting, and during the day she l

after another. Immediately my ego was boosted, because she found me worthy of attention.”

Michael loved his wife and kids, and divorce wasn’t on his mind when he felt attracted to a co -

worker. But, when she called him a week later and asked why he hadn’t called her, their playful

conversation led to many more. Two months later at an out-of-town training session, they began

a four-week affair.

Carolyn Kehr, a marriage and family counselor, says, “At least 75 percent of the divorced

couples I’ve counseled over the last 10 years were related to affairs.” Most people don’t start out

to have an affair. But, giving in to the

short-term pleasure of another person’s attentions, other

than your spouse, can cause you to lose everything you really wanted.

5.

Kathy was in her twenties and newly married, but learned that following her feelings can have

tragic consequences. “My husband was away a lot and most evenings I was home alone. I felt